Do you know that? You have enthusiastically registered for a networking meeting. The networking meeting is known as excellent; They have more than 1200 members and organize a monthly event with appealing guest speakers.

You have already received advice from various entrepreneurs: “you should really go there, assignments are available and interesting contacts”. So you have dutifully transferred the registration fee and with an inner pocket full of business cards and, above all, a lot of courage, you enter. You will be greeted kindly at the door by the organizers. You will receive a name card, two drink vouchers and the party can begin.

Somewhat tensely, you walk in the direction of the buzz, to “The Place To Be”, where, according to insiders, the money sloshes against the skirting boards, all you have to do is pick it up. You look into the well-filled room like a scared rabbit staring into the headlights of a car. Everywhere there are groups of people talking to each other, usually animatedly and as if they have known each other for years. You look around for someone you know.

Looking for your lifebuoy and when it is not there, panic sets in. What now? No lifebuoy! They didn't tell you that. Drowning is not an option, so look for another lifebuoy; a fellow sufferer. Someone who is also there for the first time and who, just like you, is trying to keep another drowning person afloat. If you are unlucky, you will talk to that fellow sufferer all evening and go home at the end of the evening with one business card; in my case from someone who hired himself out as a driver including a white hearse. Still useful when the time comes. Recognizable? For more people than we dare to admit and a standard example of what fear of rejection can do to us. “Fear is a bad counselor,” my mother said. In any case, fear of rejection is a very bad counselor. Let's see where it comes from, but especially what you can do about it.

Before I continue: I am not a psychologist or therapist and this article is anything but scientifically substantiated, but 'only' the result of 40 years of experience as a consultant, salesperson, account manager, trainer and coach.

Where does fear of rejection come from?

Everyone suffers from the fear of rejection to a greater or lesser extent. Few people go into town at night with the aim of being rejected 20 times. Nobody likes to be left behind. However, in life you cannot prevent this from happening sometimes. It only becomes a problem when your fear of rejection is so strong that you do everything to avoid it at all costs. Especially if starting conversations with new customers and maintaining existing customers is essential to the success of your company.

A lot of research has been done into fear of rejection and therefore a lot of information can be found about where it comes from. Let me name a few:

There are three main factors that lead to the fear of rejection: your upbringing, your character and the environment in which you grew up. These three factors influence each other.

Children who are rarely complimented by their parents have a greater fear of rejection; not only as a child but also in later life. The character can increase or decrease the effect. If you have a strong character, you may even be so driven that you overcome your fear.

Your environment can have an inhibiting or stimulating effect; Some social environments prevent people from developing at all, while others do. Here too, character plays an important role. A great example of this is Donald Trump. His father (German) and mother (Scottish) emigrated with their parents to the United States of America at a very young age. Where his father rose from a carpenter to a tough real estate developer. They had five children, one of whom, Fred Junior, died of alcohol abuse at the age of 43 after a completely unsuccessful life and the other worked his way up to become President of the USA.
You can't say that Donald Trump suffers from rejection anxiety.

Theory Maslow
The above reasoning is supported by Maslow's theory, who described in his 'Universal Needs of Man' that every human being needs a sense of safety and security after birth in order to develop stably. He still has that need when he grows up. If that environment is not there, there is a greater fear of rejection. In addition, Maslow describes the third universal basic need, the need for connectedness. We humans are social animals and like to belong; we like to be connected. When it is there, you feel fulfilled, when it is not there you feel lonely and you feel like you are not worth it.

In short, it is not surprising that we as humans do everything we can not to be rejected. And the more negative our self-image is, the more we protect ourselves against that rejection.

Let's return to our networking meeting. You look around and are looking for a suitable conversation partner to get to know and then investigate how interesting your product and service can be for that person. Your eyes scan the room. Your thoughts are working overtime. Let me briefly describe them: 'those two men are just talking animatedly to each other, it's not nice to break into there.' And... 'yes, that woman is standing alone, but how strange is it if I approach her?' Or… 'that man is standing alone, but it looks like he is waiting for someone, should I approach him anyway?'

 You gather all the courage you need and walk towards him. Only three meters more and then suddenly another visitor appears right in front of you. He shakes hands with 'your husband' amicably as if they have known each other for years. Too bad, it could make you despondent. Yet it is your own beliefs and especially the fear of rejection that stand in the way of your success here. In addition, research into non-verbal communication has also shown that people prefer to talk to someone who is confident and goal-oriented than with someone who acts insecure and aimless. And unfortunately it shows in your attitude.

But what now?
The question of course is should and do you want to do something about this? The fear is apparently quite deeply rooted in your subconscious. This means that it directs you without you really realizing it, causing you to blame others for your lack of success. How often do you hear that telephone acquisition is pointless or that attending networking events is a waste of time? Blame transfer, because there are also entrepreneurs who are very successful with telephone acquisition and do a lot of business or achieve success from network meetings. The main reason for this is; they get over their fear of rejection and get to work with purpose.

This requires some self-confidence and a positive self-image. Because conviction and belief in one's own abilities leads to a different physical and body language; and a different use of words that then leads to a higher conviction and belief in one's own abilities. It is a kind of vicious circle that you can break through positive thinking.

But how? The answer is as obvious as it is simple! Practice a lot. Practice makes perfect and improves the skill. Everything you practice or train will ultimately improve, especially if the method of practice/training is professional and safe.

Top athletes train intensively and scientifically, which allows them to achieve almost inhuman performance. Artists practice their performances countless times so that they are able to enchant an audience of millions with acts that a normal person would think is impossible. And successful entrepreneurs also practice their customer contact skills countless times. Until they are successful. The difference with actors and top athletes is that they simply practice it in real life. Don't they fear rejection? Yes, but it is in their nature that the satisfaction of success is so great that they are willing to face the pain of rejection.

Now not everyone is born with the character of Donald Trump, for example, and more help is needed to get to that point. By training/practicing skills in a safe environment, you experience what it feels like to network or sell successfully. Training/practice changes your belief in your own abilities and your own convictions.

This in turn results in a different choice of words and a different attitude. Training leads to success, as Pieter van de Hoogenband, Sven Kramer, Kjelt Nuis, Mathieu van der Poel and the late Johan Cruijff will fully agree. Born with great talent, a specific character and the fear of rejection or failure. Training has developed their talent, allowed them to experience how good they are and thus removed the fear so that they can show it when it really counts. No longer that anxious rabbit, but that confident lion who deliberately approaches the two men at the networking meeting, asks if he can join them, introduces himself neatly and opens with the question: 'What brings you to this meeting tonight?' The start of an animated networking conversation and perhaps two new customers.

Finally! Don't let your fear of rejection cause your talent and your success to go to waste! You are not doing anyone any favors, especially yourself.
There are specialized trainers and coaches in the Netherlands who can help you manage the phenomenon of 'rejection anxiety'.

Author

Pieter Willemse
Trainer Coach at Kenneth Smit
p.willemse@kennethsmit.com
06-51589627

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