A day later I asked Linda what impression the politician had made on her. 'Did it appeal to you? What did you notice? Was he/she convincing? Do you think he/she will win many votes with this?' Personally, I had mainly paid attention to the broad picture, including the non-verbal part, and I had drawn my conclusions. For me it was a test to know what someone who knows the theory of non-verbal behavior on average and can look at someone neutrally, thinks about it. Her response was that the politician was not convincing, even doubted his own text, was too preoccupied with himself and was not sufficiently focused on others, listened poorly and seemed restless, not even authentic.

When I asked what had caused this feeling, she could not give a clear reason. Now this is what comes up a lot in conversations. We have a right/wrong feeling about a conversation and/or person, but we have no idea why that is. I will return later to what behavior may have led to this judgment. I am not taking into account the possibility that previous opinions are taken into account, which can lead to selective perception.

 

What everyone should know about non-verbal behavior

First of all, we must be aware of our own non-verbal behavior. Knowing what behavior you exhibit and what effect it has on others. If this politician had controlled this, an ineffective signal could have been prevented from being sent during almost the entire program.

It is then useful to be able to read the other person's non-verbal behavior. He tells you non-verbally how he feels and what he thinks about the subject or you.

Finally, by using non-verbal behavior effectively, you can influence others. Very nice if, for example, you want to close a deal with a customer or achieve a certain goal in conversation with an employee.

 

What is non-verbal communication

Communication consists of three pillars; verbal (the word), intonation (stress, loud/soft, etc.) and non-verbal. Non-verbal is everything except the words themselves, i.e. the body language. The contributions to effectiveness are 7, 38 and 55% respectively. Non-verbal therefore has a 55% effect on communication as a whole. We communicate non-verbally with our head, face, hands, arms, posture, legs and feet. Your non-verbal behavior shows whether you are happy, sad, tense, confident or a different state of mind.

What is the best position to maintain? Overall, an open attitude leads to better understanding, a better atmosphere and ultimately a better relationship than a closed attitude. You can recognize an open posture by, among other things, the arms apart, legs uncrossed or crossed towards the other person, friendly facial expressions, eye contact, body slightly towards the conversation partner. In a conversation, you are more likely to be perceived as an empathetic and interested listener if you adopt an open posture, regularly look at the other person, tilt your head slightly, nod regularly and regularly show your palms.

 

Mirroring behavior

What also contributes to a good atmosphere and trust in each other is when you regularly mirror the other person's behavior. The other person then recognizes themselves in you and automatically gets a better feeling about you. Humans have a natural tendency to mirror. As long as this is an open attitude, that's fine, but be careful when mirroring closed behavior. Within the theory of neuro-linguistic programming, this is seen as effective in certain cases, but that is going a bit too far for now. I would like to come back to that in a next blog.

So, for example, if your conversation partner has a hand on his side, he will accept you more easily if you also have a hand on your side. Don't do this too conspicuously. This is usually an unconscious process for your conversation partner. He/she has a good/bad feeling about you and has no idea why that is. Also know that the other person has a tendency to mirror you. So if you keep an open attitude, he will do the same and will feel better with a greater chance of success for you.

 

Signals

It is advisable to observe your conversation partner carefully. He can give you signals about what he is thinking and feeling. I call those red, orange and green signals. Red, for example, is when your conversation partner abruptly changes from an open to a closed position. If he also looks angry (so a cluster of signals) then you know that he may disagree with you but is not saying so (yet). Then stop what you were doing and ask a question about the subject, for example. Orange signals are actually the transition from green to red and vice versa. Vigilance is then required. With a cluster of green signals (open attitude) you can calmly continue with what you were doing.

 

Zones

We live in emotional zones. This concerns so-called bubbles around us, each of which has a certain distance. It is important to maintain that distance in relation to people. For example, we know the public zone (>3,6 meters) that is suitable for public speaking, for example. The social zone (1,2 - 3,6 meters) for a first introductory meeting with a business associate. If you get too close too quickly, the other person will distance themselves from you. Between 60 and 120 cm is the personal zone into which you are allowed if you know and like each other better. To get within that zone you first have to earn money. If you succeed, you have laid a good foundation for a good relationship. You will be the only one who has achieved this with an important prospect, leaving your competitors behind. This process is considerably disrupted by the Corona measures. You often cannot allow people you would like to have within your personal zone. For others it is a blessing that they can now keep certain people at a distance. Furthermore, we know the intimate and physical zone, which I will not go into further now. The measurements mentioned are global, as they may differ per person and culture.

 

Visual, auditory and kinaesthetic

Finally, something from the theory of neuro-linguistic programming. That tells us people's preferences for storing information, about how they think and communicate. People with a preference for a visual filter mainly think in pictures, auditory people are more focused on what they hear and a kinesthetic preference is mainly about feeling. You can see how your conversation partner feels about things such as eye movements and word choice. Statements such as 'I can see it in my mind', 'that doesn't sound good' and 'I feel like this...' provide insight into personal preference. In order to optimally connect with a conversation partner, it is an advantage if you adapt your way of communicating to the other person's preferences so that you speak each other's language. For example, if you have to develop a sales proposal for a visually oriented person, use a nice presentation with many pictures, for an auditory person you mainly tell a good story and for someone with a kinesthetic focus you provide tangible material such as an example of your product or a nice brochure.

 

The politician

What was the non-verbal behavior of the politician that made my wife not enthusiastic and expect that the politician will receive few votes based on the broadcast? The following behavior I observed may have played a role in this:

• Closed posture by placing elbows in front of the body as a barrier
• Frequently covering your mouth with your hands (may indicate lying or doubting your own words)
• Crossed legs, crossed away from the conversation partner
• Inadequate eye contact and looking away
• Tense facial expression

 

Closing comments

A seemingly unimportant detail of non-verbal communication can turn out to be essential. For example, research into election debates in America shows that usually the presidential candidate who blinks the least ultimately wins the election. Chance?

How aware are you of your own non-verbal communication, are you able to read the behavior of others and can you influence situations with your communication channels?

I invite you to share your experiences and start the discussion. Perhaps that will lead to a next, in-depth blog on this subject. I am ready!

PS

Paul Schrijft about personal growth

about personal growth

Paul Claessens